[Good evening Tuesday] fatigue and vanilla birds

I love smelling my birds. I’m sure my birds think I’m a pervert but this gives me instant comfort… sometimes they smell like maple syrup or warm blanket, or seaweed when they’re wet (oi, this one is strong smell).

The point here is, I’m tired and have things to do and I haven’t even started the year-end cleaning or whatever. But I’m feeling fulfilled, happy about how this year has been. At the year-end, I am sooo going to take a long good bath and have ice cream afterwards… maybe vanilla, the one that I can see the vanilla beans bits in it… that type of good ice cream… yeah…

ぐっと寒さが押し寄せてきた年の瀬ですね。どうぞ暖かくして、良いお年をお迎えください。

本年もお読みいただき、ありがとうございました！

"The Story of A Robot" （あるロボットのおはなし） Pt.3

"The Story of A Robot" （あるロボットのおはなし） Pt.3

Click here to read Previous Episode (7-16) / 前回のおはなし（7～16）をよむ

Disclaimer: I borrowed a name and character figure from Gargaj (and I got his permission to publish in here, thanks! :), but all characters (traits) and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real events or persons or products is purely and definitely coincidental.

おことわり：以前にもインタビューさせていただいたGargajさんから、名前とキャラクターをお借りしましたが（ちゃんと公開許可をいただきました笑）、この物語はあくまでフィクションです！実在の人物や団体、イベントに酷似している点があったとしても、それはまぼろしであり、実在のものとは関係ありません、のでご注意ください。 

17）    ガーガイが公園でひとりで遊んでいると、どこからか小さなとりが飛んできて、ガーガイに話しかけました。「ずいぶんさみしそうだね」　「そうなんだ、さみしいなんてものじゃないんだ」　「どうしたの？」

18）    「コンピュータでカッコイイものを作ったんだけど、みんなが気に入ってくれなかったんだ。どうしてなのかわからないし、今まで自分がやってきたことが全部ダメって言われたような気分というか、、ボクが生きてる意味なんてあるんだろうかって思うんだよ、、。それに、新しいものを作ろうと思っても、すごく怖いんだ、、、」　ガーガイは泣きました。

19）    小さなとりははっと思いついたように、「もしかして、コンピュータの才能がないんじゃない？」と言いました。「コンピュータなんてやめちゃいなよ！やめて、何か他のことをやってみたらいいんじゃない？」

20）    そこで、ガーガイはコンピュータをやめて、他のことに挑戦しました。

21）    でも、何をやっていても、ガーガイの頭からはずっとコンピュータのことが離れませんでした。

22）    そして、長い間いろんなことを試したあと、ガーガイはコンピュータの電源を入れてみることにしました。「もう好きじゃないかもしれないし、、」　「ニュースだけでもチェックしてみようかな、、」

23）    たくさんのアップデートとアップグレードが終わると、コンピュータの世界が再びガーガイの目の前にあらわれました。ガーガイは、雷に打たれたような気分になりました。

24）    ガーガイは思いました。「なんて楽しいんだろう、、。やっぱり、ボクはコンピュータが大好きだったんだ、、、」

25）    その日から、ガーガイはまたコンピュータを使い始めました。上手じゃなくても、他の人が気に入らなくても、気にならなくなりました。そして、ガーガイがあまりにも楽しそうなので、何をしているのかまわりの人が興味を持つようになりました。

26）    ある日、ガーガイはデモシーンのコンテストから招待状を受け取りました。「たまには遊びにおいでよ」　ガーガイは迷いましたが、また会いたかった人の顔が浮かんだので、遊びで作ったものを持って、コンテストに出かけることにしました。

27）    コンテストの場所に行くと、みんなとても嬉しそうにガーガイを迎えてくれました。「おかえりガーガイ！」　「ただいま！」　

28）    そしてコンテストが始まりました。みんな、ワクワクしながら大きな画面を見つめています！

29）    コンテストの帰り道、ガーガイは前に話をした小さなとりを見かけました。「ねえ、とりさん」　ガーガイは声をかけました。

30）    「ボク、いろんなことを試してみたんだけど、やっぱりコンピュータに戻ったんだ。キミが言ってたように、ボクには才能がないかもしれないし、他の人はボクの作ったものを気に入ってくれないかもしれないけど、でももういいんだ！コンピュータを使っていると、ボクはしあわせな気持ちになれるし、そんな風にボクをしあわせな気持ちにしてくれるものが見つかって、本当にうれしいんだよ！」

31）    「そうなんだ、よかったね！」小さなとりは言いました。「でも、、。ごめんね、あたし自分があなたに何を言ったかちっとも覚えてないの。っていうか、、、あたしたち、前に会ったことあるかしら？」

おしまい

(*Sorry, I messed up with the tense...)

Because I borrowed the name and avatar from the real person, it may confuse some people but I emphasize that this story is a fiction. (well I must say that his avatar is not too complicated to draw… that’s why… :) Sure there might be some similarities because Gargaj is a demoscener afterall, but there are lots of other people and demosceners’ bits in it, and there are lots of me in it.

Nevertheless, I’d like to give big thanks to Gargaj who let me do whatever I want with his name/avatar, and I’d like to dedicate this doodle on the notepad to past, current and future demosceners… :D Thank you, Good luck and Have fun!

実在の人物からお名前とアバターをお借りした関係で、「これは実話なの？」と混乱した方もいらっしゃるかもしれませんが、このお話はあくまでもフィクションです。（とても描きやすいアバターだったのでつい、、、）　とはいえ、実在のガーガイさんもデモシーナーですから、ご本人と似ている点はあるとは思います。でも、この話には、ガーガイさんだけではなく、いろんなデモシーナーや、それ以外の人物、そして私自身も入っています。

とは言え、お名前とアバターを好きに使わせてくださったガーガイさんに感謝です！そしてこの落書きは、過去、現在、そして未来のデモシーナーに捧げたいと思います！（笑）　お読みいただきありがとうございました！

[Good evening Tuesday] Street with thousands of lights

Now Listening: Try Your Wings – Amel Larrieux

Merry Christmas, or happy holidays!

"The Story of A Robot" （あるロボットのおはなし） Pt.2

And it continues!! :) 

"The Story of A Robot" （あるロボットのおはなし） Pt.2

Click here to read Previous Episode (1-6) / 前回のおはなし（1～6）をよむ

Disclaimer: I borrowed a name and character figure from Gargaj (and I got his permission to publish in here, thanks! :), but all characters (traits) and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real events or persons or products is purely and definitely coincidental.

おことわり：以前にもインタビューさせていただいたGargajさんから、名前とキャラクターをお借りしましたが（ちゃんと公開許可をいただきました笑）、この物語はあくまでフィクションです！実在の人物や団体、イベントに酷似している点があったとしても、それはまぼろしであり、実在のものとは関係ありません、のでご注意ください。 

7）    「カッコイイもの」ができあがると、ガーガイは思いきってデモシーンの人たちに見せてみることにしました。ガーガイはとてもドキドキしました。

8）    ビックリなことに、ガーガイの作ったものをみんなはとても気に入ってくれました。そしてガーガイはデモシーンのコンテストで1等賞をもらいました。ガーガイはとてもうれしくなり、生きていて良かったなぁと思い、みんなに自分を好きになってもらえたように感じました。「これでさみしかった日々とはお別れだ！」

9）    それからガーガイは、どんどん「カッコイイもの」を作り、みんなの前で見せるようになりました。そして、見せるたびに1等賞をもらいました。ガーガイは、「ボクはこの星でいちばんカッコイイロボットにちがいない…！」と思いました。

10）    ところが、ある日思いもよらない出来事が起きました。ガーガイが作ったものが、1等賞どころか、何の賞ももらえなかったのです。

11）    ガーガイはショックでした。どうして賞をとれなかったのか、その理由がわかりません。何かを変えたわけではないのです。今回も、これまでと同じように作ったはずなのに。「みんなボクの作るものをずっと気に入ってくれてたのに、どうして今回は気に入ってくれなかったんだろう…」

12）    そこでガーガイは、今までよりも一生懸命になりました。少し頭のいいコンピュータを手に入れて、これまでよりももっと長い時間を「カッコイイもの」を作ることに費やしました。ガーガイは真剣そのもの！ガーガイは何としても1等賞を取らなければと思いました。「ぜったいに1等賞を取らなきゃ、、、かならず取らなきゃ、、、」

13）    でも、うまくいきませんでした。

14）    そして、インターネットでは、ガーガイに意地悪なことを言う人たちがでてきました。「ガーガイの作ったものって、つまらないよね」　「ほんと、どうしたんだろうね」

15）    ガーガイは自分が恥ずかしく思えてきました。そして、とてもとても悲しくなりました。でも、何がいけないのかわかりません。ガーガイは自分で感じている恥ずかしさや深いかなしみをみんなに知られたくなくて、しだいに、みんなに当たり散らすようになりました。　「ボクの作ったもののカッコよさを、みんなはわからないんだ！」

16）    おこりんぼうのロボットを好きな人はいません。気がつくと、ガーガイはまたひとりぼっちになっていました。

Next Episode / つづきをよむ

[Good evening Tuesday] But a lot of big girls use Do Not Disturb mode after 10pm because they have work tomorrow

Lately I enjoy listening to Erykah Badu’s new album.

I prefer the album with lots of interludes rather than hits after hits, so I really like it. And, one of her styles… those bluesy lengthy song about lingering affection, it really shines here and I love that... :)

"The Story of A Robot" （あるロボットのおはなし）

Well, it started from the doodle I was drawing while chatting, but it gets fun when I put some texts on it and I kept going... I quite like it and thought it may be interesting to share them here :)

I borrowed a name and character figure from Gargaj (and I got his permission to publish in here, thanks! :), but here's the disclaimer: all characters (traits) and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real events or persons or products is purely and definitely coincidental… :)

落書きから始まったものですが、テキストを書いたりしているうちに楽しくなってしまって、ちょっとしたストーリーになって気に入ってきたので、思いつきでここに公開してみます（笑）

以前にもインタビューさせていただいたGargajさんから、名前とキャラクターをお借りしましたが（ちゃんと公開許可をいただきました笑）、この物語はあくまでフィクションです！実在の人物や団体、イベントに酷似している点があったとしても、それはまぼろしであり、実在のものとは関係ありません、のでご注意ください。笑

"The Story of A Robot" （あるロボットのおはなし）

1）    山も谷もデコボコもない場所に、ガーガイという名前のふしぎなロボットが住んでいます。

2）    ガーガイはコンピュータがだいすき。音楽を作ったり、コンピュータのプログラムを書いたりして、楽しくすごしています。

3）    ある日、ガーガイは「デモシーン」というものに出会いました。ここに集まった人たちは、コンピュータを使って何かを作り、お互いに見せ合いっこをして楽しんでいました。

4）    ガーガイはここで、音楽やプログラムを作ったり、絵を描いたりするのが好きなたくさんの人たちと会いました。こういう人たちに、ガーガイは今まで会ったことがありませんでした。

5）    ガーガイは「見つけたぞ！」と思いました。「ずっとひとりぼっちだと思ってきたけど、ここにはボクに似ている人たちがいる。ボクはついに自分の居場所を見つけたような気がするぞ！」

6）    それからのガーガイは、昼も夜もずっとコンピュータの前にすわり、いろんなことを試しながら、自分の考える「カッコイイもの」を作ることに集中しました。ガーガイはとても楽しんでいたので、眠ることすら忘れてしまいました。

Next Episode / つづきをよむ

[Good evening Tuesday] Make a Wish on the New Moon

The other day I wrote about the Full Moon rituals. And I’d like to write about my New Moon rituals before I completely forget.

If the Full Moon is “full” and good time to clean and start using new wallet, New Moon is “new” and great time to start new habit and make a wish… well, so I heard… I don’t know the deep spiritual meaning here, but if the knowledgeable people say that after the research, then why not… They’re not trying to sell anything (if so that’s bogus) and there’s nothing to lose on our end… :)

So on the new moon day, I make a wish. To be exact, this is not my new moon rituals but something I do regularly; I jot down my wishes, hopes or dreams on the paper.

Nowadays writing dreams/hopes are often encouraged in terms of “law of attraction” (or, i.e. the book called “The Secret”) but I started it about 10 years ago out of necessity. There was a very tough time in my life which I felt really lonely and desperate, and needed to have some reasons to wake up in the morning. And I started to write down what I want randomly. I want that, I want to do this and that… It didn’t matter if the wish was small or big or unrealistic… I just wanted to make sure that I still have energy in me to have some hopes for the future.

Over the course of a decade, naturally there have been many changes in my dream and my attitude. For the first several years, I was living in a material world but I get to wish something unmeasurable (which is tough to know when to tick the box). And some hopes and dreams were replaced with other things. Like, my “Date with George Clooney” dream had to be updated because I don’t date with married man. ...Sorry George. :D

The effect of doing this? I don’t know if the law of attraction was activated but quite a lot of boxes have been ticked. Through the listing process, you are going to recognize that you have certain wish or dreams or hope, and I think this recognition would work like setting a target, and you know where to aim. Well, one thing for sure is that it definitely lifted me up from the bottom.

And this year, I updated my dream lists by adding “thank you” column. Somehow I felt I also need to take a note of what I already have or received, not just listing up what I don’t have. And this process brutally made me realize how lucky and happy I’ve been and I am. (e.g. Living in a country where I can drink tap water… I took that for granted, but when I think about it… :)

It doesn’t matter how you do it, but if you feel like trying this, I’d like to give you some advice… (these are something I want to tell to myself who just started doing this)

1. First and foremost, be honest to yourself. Don’t hold back. Write what you really want.

2. If you can be specific, it’s better. Especially if it’s a big dream. Break down what you want from its achievement.

3. And most importantly, Do not forget that the things you’re going to list are “PLUS” to your life. These are not “lack” or missing things in your life. (If you start looking at the list and think “I’ll be happy when I get this, so I have to have this” then you’re screwed and you have to stop listing) Consider at this very moment you’re on the origin (zero point), not plus or minus, because your life is running anyway and that means you already have what you need to have it running.

I hope this post will help someone out there, even a little... and that's one of my wishes.  :)

[Good evening Tuesday] Name

The other day I was flipping through some books at the old bookshop, and I found my name on one of the books. Well, obviously it was for someone who has the same name, but I couldn’t let it go and took that without flipping it any further, thinking there must be some information that I should read… (It was about German way of organizing… and boy it’s very structured and practical :) )

Speaking of name, a while ago I received some emails which got nothing to do with me. It wasn’t one of those annoying DMs, and I was wondering if anyone made mistake entering email address. Then later, I got an email saying “test” from someone who seemed to be THAT person. I wrote a message to that address, telling I got some DM and there might have been some mistakes.

Then a few days later I got a message from the person who got same name as me (we have different kanji name, but same sound on alphabet). She told me that she fixed the error, and briefly explained what she does in her life. I wrote her back, briefly explained what I do in my life. (I was kind of hoping that we can be friends, but well…;) I wish her the best in her life, as someone who shares the same name... Good luck Setsuko :)

[Good evening Tuesday] I'm tired

There are some nights that I just want to do nothing but watch something absent-mindedly. Ideally domino or curling competition, or something like this.

[Good evening Tuesday] Dream Dictionary

Although there are some views and opinions, I think it’s fair to say that dreams are some kind of projection of one’s subconscious. It’s like a real feeling or desire hidden underneath the thick cover or lid, and it opens only while you’re asleep. Some use them to predict future, some use them to measure attention from others. I cannot put them into such practical use, but I take that as a message from deep inside of myself and use it to understand what I’m honestly feeling.

I have a dream dictionary which I’ve been using since I was a teenager (I think I have one before this but can’t recall it anymore). And whenever I saw something strange or new in my dream, I look up and seek what it signifies. I’ve been doing this for more than 2 decades, and I think I’m pretty good at analyzing them in my own way.

What you have to remember when you use this type of dictionary or website is that their interpretation is not always appropriate, and you should only take them as a hint. Because if you have special memory or feeling towards specific item, their so-called “universal” interpretation cannot be applied. (Say, when a baker dreams about “bread” it should mean different to him/her than other people.)

And there are some items which you cannot find in the dictionary. In my case, when certain thing or person repeatedly shows up in my dream, I consider this as a symbol of something which only makes sense to me, and start exploring what it is. So ultimately, I guess each of us need to build our own dream dictionary.. Lately there’s one person who often shows up in my dream in meaningful way, and I’ve been wondering what this is telling me. It may surprise me or reveal some unbearable facts… :)

If you look for a dream dictionary (and there are many websites), I personally recommend you to see the ones written in your language. Because these interpretation is heavily based on the cultural and religious background.

One of the dreams (or nightmare) which I repeatedly see is, a dream about the day before my high school graduation. This dream always starts from joyful feeling “Yes! I’m now all set to go to university and all I have to do is having fun at graduation ceremony!” and then all of the sudden I realize that I haven’t attended single math class in the school and don’t have enough credits to graduate. There are slight changes in the story, but it’s always about the “day before the graduation” and “math”. Should I take this as a fear of forgetting something important, or necessity to learn high school math properly…? I wonder.

haunt me: honeytrap

Karel Boehlee Trio “Last Tango in Paris”

I just adore this version..

[Good evening Tuesday] 25cm less

Stores in my area are already Christmas-ready..

Lately I had my hair cut. Not much reason for it, but I wanted to make it lighter. I’ve had long hair for around 10 years, and the hairdresser who’s been dealing with my hair for those years looked really excited when she saw the cutout I passed to her.

She pulled my hair back into a ponytail and held it in one hand, looking at me seriously in the mirror and asked “Are you ready?” (Because there are some girls who have problem cutting their hair short, she told me) I said “Yes! Do it!” and she chop them in one shot.

Now I had about 20-30cm less than before, and I’m still not used to see my new haircut. Each time I saw myself in the mirror or the window outside, I’m surprised at how I look now. It’s quite fun, like Halloween everyday… 

[Good evening Tuesday] Full Moon

Today is full moon.

Not sure how popular in other countries, but using the "lunar power" is getting quite common in Japanese... or let's say among Japanese ladies.

Even you're not so accustomed to those female-magazine type of things, you should have heard some effects that the moon gives to human (like birthrate increases on full/new moon, or someone turns into wolf on full moon...).

Full moon is... "full", basically it signifies "culmination" or "completion". And I heard it's a good time to start using new wallet or clean your wallet (because it 'fills") and doing emotional/physical cleaning, because now it reached the peak, and you release whatever no longer necessary.

And new moon is "new" (duh). It's a starting point and I heard it's the best timing to start something new (like start going to gym) and make wishes. (I do make a wish on new moon day.. but, that's for later)

Whether you believe these effects or not, new moon and full moon comes regularly. And I use this cycle to make my routine. It's quite handy, because it's printed on most of the calendar. So... I'm going to dive and tackle clutters in my room and my mind tonight. By reading this, I hope you're convinced enough to remove those receipts from your wallets :)

Have a nice full moon day.

[Good evening Tuesday] It hurts

I couldn't do a forward upward circling.

In PE class at my elementary school, one of the teachers often finished the class saying "you can go back to the room once you make it" and I was always the last one to leave the field. Not because I could make it finally, but because the teacher needed to go back.

I was SO bad at it, and after several times the teacher changed the rule to "you can play with other equipments once you make a back-hip circle" so that there would be plenty of time for try. However it turned out that this rule is much more cruel than before, I needed to try again and again with a sideways glance at other kids happily playing swings or jungle gym. The teacher mocked at me, kids mocked at me, I hated it, I hated the teacher, I hated the other kids, I hated the school, I hated the world, I hated myself not able to do this damn thing. 

But I gotta do something with this damn thing, otherwise this living hell continued.. so I decided to go back to school after everyone's going home, and asked my ma to be my coach and practiced and practiced. And yeah, once I made it I got the knack for it and I could just keep doing it. Oh that sensation of accomplishment...! utterly indescribable. I couldn't stop smirking by imagining myself doing a perfect back-hip circle and climb onto the jungle jim... mwahahahaha....

However the long-awaited next PE class went differently. When the teacher found out that I could do it, he said "Everyone, try just one back-hip circle and we'll play soccer afterward" And I was really not good at soccer.... Haa.... (but this time I just gave up. I just needed to avoid a ball, that's all)

...All of this, I suddenly remembered while I was taking a bath. And yesterday, I went to the park just to see if I can still do it. I was around 95% sure that I could still do it, but actually I was worse than before and I barely do a normal circling. I had no idea where to put my legs and everything and I just tried like 5 times and my arms were already aching..

Waking up this morning, I'm sore all over. And now it hurts. It hurts so much that I even have trouble lifting my chopsticks. This clearly tells me that my youth is gone and I'm still a loser. But now I can laugh about myself, and I have Internet.

Mwahahaha...